i think what most women are looking for is the loving security of a husband, who sits all night worrying when you toss feverishly, coupled with the frivolous spontanaiety of a boyfriend who brings you yellow balloons to make you feel better instead.
we had a young hip teacher in college who we all looked upto a lot. she once told us that the longer you took to get married, the harder it was, because the more you wanted. she was the epitome of the cool single woman who would not bend down to tradition simply because she had to. she would marry when she would want to…
we werent at all surprised when she married an old german friend from college and moved away. she wasnt cut out for the typical pakistani man anyways.
late twenties have proved her words very true. you want to marry but not just anyone. you want to settle down but not JUST settle. you want it all or you want none of it. it’s a happy sad time for us because most of us are finally figuring out, after all the heartbreak and tears who we like being, who we are proud being and and now the catch is to find someone who likes that too.
as k and i start our third month as a married couple, it’s, like i said, all about figuring out the daily stuff. how we fit into each others life without disrupting the areas we were happily resolved in…and how we establish new routine while weaving in the older habits. in a society where after marriage, the woman is supposed to start-anew and the man is supposed to conti-new, it’s time we made our own news.
I remember many times, when, in a tone of genuine mirth, my mother would wonder as to who would be insane enough to marry me and what would become of the poor man. Apparently I had zero tolerance (I shouted too much), a severe lack of communication (I wasn’t interested in listening), commitment issues (I got bored too easily), intensity issues (I took myself too seriously), no culinary expertise (to bowl him over and prevent him from noticing my other mental disabilities) and was totally obsessed with my work (hey I love what I do!). On my second month-a-versary today, I’m still married…if for no reason, but to prove my mother wrong. happy month 2 together k, i love you.
i think fights are worse when you are married. For one, both work on the assumption that the person is THERE, that your other half cannot go anywhere because now you are in the ultimate relationship of them all- the marriage. And hence you feel you can be daring about pushing the hurt limit…of what you can get away with. So words are harsher,less thought-out and geared towards more of an impact (since you are theoretically safe in your bubble).
What we can forget to take into account is the corrosion to the soul, the gradual eating away of trust and love, the battering to the heart and the eventual shutdown of all reaction that we are setting in motion. when fighting in a marriage, be very very careful.
pre-marriage wedding hopping always fun. as long as you were armed with a friend/sister whose was willing to gossip, rip, shred and enjoy, it had the makings of a perfectly entertaining evening, especially with what not people are wearing these days.
post-marriage wedding hopping has turned out to be a somewhat different…because on one level you are gossiping, ripping, shredding, and enjoying but on some subliminal level you are comparing all the details to what happenend on your own wedding.
AM was over tonight.
as old friends go…hes prolly one of the oldest. not at all a regular but its one of those hard-to-define relationships, evolved and dveloped in its own unusual way over time.
him coming over to my new place was important, especially since he missed the whole pre-shaadi process. him getting along with k was important too. somehow. k liking him was even more important.
a friend of mine used to say that once married, all your relationships need to be in some subliminal way be approved by your other half. i had pooh-pahed the concept in my search for an “independent-together” married life those many years ago…but tonight, as a little happy sigh worked its way around my heart when AM and k actually got along, i realize she may have had something there.
rainy sunday afternoons with k.
a popular question to be asked after marriage seems to be “tauu kya pakaya jaa raha hai aaj kal mian ke liya??” i always stumble here, not sure how to break to the sweet old lady, who probably thinks that i slave over a hot stove all day to make acha acha ghar ka khana for my poor hardworking husband that it’s my husband, who most of the time, cooks for us in evening, with me as a happy assistant.