Good Wives, Bad Wives

There is so much advice floating out there on what a Good Wife should be. It starts hitting you from right about the time you are old enough to be married (and THAT is another topic altogether!). The advice continues flowing from all corners of the world-from well meaning friends to interfering relatives and even randoms who of course must always provide some kind of commentary and input.

What is sad is that in all this plethora of well intentioned but absolute rubbish, no real issues is ever addressed. Advice skims on good recipes, being there when he gets home, being pleasant, well kept, and all this is said in the most generic terms possible. OF course life is not this general at all, and one hardly uses mass advice.

A few weeks ago, a friend mentioned feeling like she was not a good wife, because she just couldn’t fix what her husband was going through, job-wise. She said he was feeling demotivated, tired and blah. “I’m trying to tell him it will pass but I feel maybe that is depressing him even more.”

The pressure is so intense to be the everything in your partners life these days. It’s like if you are married, nothing should ever afflict you again. There should be no depression, no tears, no demotivation, no simple blues and blahs anymore- simply because You Are Now Married. I told B that one of the most important things I think I have realized in my 15 married months is that lows are as much a part of marriage as the highs are. And learning to give space to each other to mourn on our own on any level becomes more important. I used to love a good solo sob every few months- even if it was triggered by something retardedly meaningless. It was a much needed negative energy release. I’d hate to think that one of my therapeutic sobs or wallowy lows was automatically associated with my partner.

A major part of being the good wife for me has been realizing that, no matter how wonderfully connected a couple you are, sometimes you just need to fight solo battles. And lose on your own. And win on your own. However, if you know you are being watched over from the sidelines, it’s the best feeling in the world.

Advertisements

Published by

jammie

people who know me...know me.

4 thoughts on “Good Wives, Bad Wives”

  1. Sara

    I have been following up on ure blog for a while now.

    In two months I would be turning to a Mrs from a Ms and am going through mixed emotions now

    I have lived alone for quite some time and am pretty independent and now for various reasons have to quit and relocate.

    I guess this is usual but am just not able to shake off this feeling

    Did u ever feel this ?

  2. my brain may dislocate from reading your blog, thats how much i nod here

    🙂

    you articulate things that are felt, in the air, THERE but too difficult and obscure to pin down and write for most of us

    cheers!

  3. 11 Comments Close this window Collapse comments
    Butterfly said…
    Sara

    I have been following up on ure blog for a while now.

    In two months I would be turning to a Mrs from a Ms and am going through mixed emotions now

    I have lived alone for quite some time and am pretty independent and now for various reasons have to quit and relocate.

    I guess this is usual but am just not able to shake off this feeling

    Did u ever feel this ?

    9:34 PM

    cheesoo said…
    my brain may dislocate from reading your blog, thats how much i nod here

    🙂

    you articulate things that are felt, in the air, THERE but too difficult and obscure to pin down and write for most of us

    cheers!

    10:02 PM

    life in words said…
    i really like this post =)

    11:32 PM

    jammie said…
    butterfly-

    did i ever feel scared losing my independence? NO. maybe because i knew k and i knew me.
    more than ever before i think people marry people who are like them or understand them on some level- if your husband to be knows you im sure he appreciates the independence part of you and thinks of it as an ASSET rather than something he would like to change in you.

    this could just be the jitters because no matter what- people keep talking about marriage as the ultimate change-
    honestly speaking if youre normal about it- it isnt; its just an extension of who you are alreay becoming- and inshallah im sure
    everything will be great if you just manage to retain your sense of individuality, honestly and being you.

    cheesoo- you cant brain dislocate- what will happen to ali then? 🙂

    thanks lifein words. 🙂

    2:01 AM

    Butterfly said…
    Thanks Sara – guess ure right

    Jitters – may be it

    I never thought I would get married – and now that I am – guess here is how I react.

    10:16 AM

    Mona said…
    i’ve been a silent reader here for a while.
    i’m amazed at how perfectly you articulate things i think about and feel about marriage.

    9:57 PM

    Chocopologie said…
    That was such a cute post.. 🙂

    1:44 PM

    Umar Pirzada said…
    Well said…Absolutely true and agreed to the full….forwarding to my wife…GOOD STUFF…

    3:32 AM

    sara said…
    empathize whole-heartedly…i think it goes back to the idea of not losing your own identity as you fuse into a state of coupledom…ppl that expect each other to fulfill (and fix) all the components of their lives are often left dissapointed and disgruntled.

    4:01 PM

    Clarice said…
    I’ve never been married but this post reminded me of something that’s been going through my head recently: Why do we expect our significant other to be some sort of a savior? It’s a concept we’re raised with and its there screaming at us in every song/movie. “Save me from myself”.
    This one person is supposed to suddenly compensate for everything that you aren’t/lack. Talk about pressure!

    I wonder why no one ever tells us that relationships aren’t a Happy Pill that will cure every problem that you ever faced.

    9:23 PM

    BBCD said…
    great post jammie.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s