When I was in class 3 (or was it 4?), I remember writing an essay once on what I wanted to be when I grew up. My mom, of course. And then another one in class 10 about an “ideal” in my life. Again my mother. Looking back now, I could not have possibly understood what a mom actually does back then, not even at what I thought was the every mature age of 14. it’s only at the brink of mommyhood that I have felt the urge…the need to once again write down that when I am all growed up, if I ever am, I would want to be just like my mother.
Mind you, my mother and I have not been best friends or sharers of secrets or the kind who have always ben able to talk “openly and honestly”. It has always been about “let me make my own mistakes” vs “why are you so stubborn?” If anything can be said of Virgos and Aries, it is that they will not agree to anything- especially the important stuff, but somewhere along the line, as someone who knows us both said, I inherited her “spirit of individuality”. I am only beginning to maybe realize what that means as I struggle these days to make my own decisions regarding what will be my baby, without trying to sound like I am overruling her advice, or undermining her experience.
It is difficult to suddenly find yourself in a to-be mom position with your mom watching you do it. You want to make no mistakes and make her proud of you but you also want to make your own mistakes and feel the ownership of an experience that is essentially only yours. You want to be the best mom ever, of course, but how can you be with “the-best-mom-ever” right there, behind you, watching over your sincere stumbling methods? You find yourself insisting even more on doing things “your way”. You start sounding petulant somehow, younger than you have in years, stubbornly sticking to wanting to make a decision on your own, just to prove a point.
As the last month sets in, hormones which had nicely settled in the second trimester to produce a happily glowing “im an individual mommy type me” are on the rage, and everything is prickly again. And I am back to being ok with being my momma’s baby, trusting her on all decisions, wanting to be told what to do, and how to do it, and content to let her hold the best-(grand)mother-ever plaque forever. Along with the baby, of course 🙂