listening to me

For me this whole baby-growing experience has been, thankfully, less medical and more…well…introspective. I have not come out of it knowing what medical terms stand for what position or what one needs to do in case of what feeling. I have gone (or tied atleast) mostly on common sense and gut instinct  which I am beginning to believe will be my way of dealing with my little one also. I listen to everything- the advice, the comments, the discussions but I learnt long back in the first trimester that to take everything seriously, or to over read or over inform myself would be my undoing. After all the faff has been dealt with, I need to know what works for me. Pregnancy wise, I decided back then also that I had to leave things upto my doctor, who I truly trust, even though k and I think she is just a little bit nuts. But I like that bluntness, the reassuring confidence she oozes, even when things have gone from being crystal clear to murky vague.

“You will be a brilliant mother.” A friend smsed me on one of my low days, when I think I was seriously wondering out loud what possesses people like me, resplendent in questions and thinking, to want to have children. Why does anyone with half a brain want to temporarily or permanently alter their happy status quo, career path, change the way they live forever, and willingly turn into a bag of paranoia and hormones that cries while watching Kuch Kuch Hota Hai- for the millionth time?  And does the fact that I question it make me  a “case”? Do I have some intrinsic maternal gene missing in my genetic make up that makes me ask questions and not embrace motherhood in all its confusing glory? Is this an indication of what a completely at-loss mom I will be? And as the questions take shape in my mind and become familiar in the asking, answers start to emerge as well. Emotional as well as intellectual. Yes, it is the scariest ride of them all- yet, one that promises to be keep me on my toes, and as much as I am petrified, I am secretly thrilled also because in all this, I am somehow slowly  learning to listen to myself more clearly- and maybe at the end (or beginning) of it all, that is what learning to be a mommy is all about.


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4 thoughts on “listening to me”

  1. don’t worry jammie, no maternal gene missing. up until the last minute, i had second thoughts, thought it was far too late to have them at 30+ weeks 🙂
    and hey, we learn as much from our babies as they learn from us – you’re as new at this mommyhood game as your baby is at life.
    and you’re right its all instinctive.

  2. …although not a mommy yet, i’m also at that happy w/status quo stage where wrt work, married life and things in general i’m content…and i can SO relate to you when you talk about the missing mother gene…everyone around me seems to want one and seems to want me to pop one out asap, mommies i read about in blogland oh-so-content(albeit a little harrassed)…but none of it makes me want change status quo and go forth and multiply :)…i really look forward to reading your thoughts and experiences after you have the baby and the ensuing metamorphosis…maybe it’ll help change my mind!…lots and lots of luck!!


  3. mona- thanks for the vote of confidence- i see people who i thought were complete nutters become competent mothers so im hoping inshallah ill be able to do the same!

    ash- its a time in life kinda thing. I really did (allah ka shukar) love my life the way it was after shaadi and these two years have been amazingggg- but somehow the upcoming changes also promise an amazingness all of their own! just pray for us- that all goes well inshallah.

  4. I had the same feeling (lack of mommy gene). My sister had kids and I had absolutely NO emotion for them (and she has damn good looking children!)

    The funny thing was, as long as I can remember, wherever there were babies, I would run. I just didn’t like them.

    When I was pregnant, my mom and dad were mostly freaked out because they thought I might not love my own kids (see how BAD I was??).

    But now, years later, I am a mom of two and I love them both.

    As far as the “learn as you go” is concerned… go read my next post.

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