For me this whole baby-growing experience has been, thankfully, less medical and more…well…introspective. I have not come out of it knowing what medical terms stand for what position or what one needs to do in case of what feeling. I have gone (or tied atleast) mostly on common sense and gut instinct which I am beginning to believe will be my way of dealing with my little one also. I listen to everything- the advice, the comments, the discussions but I learnt long back in the first trimester that to take everything seriously, or to over read or over inform myself would be my undoing. After all the faff has been dealt with, I need to know what works for me. Pregnancy wise, I decided back then also that I had to leave things upto my doctor, who I truly trust, even though k and I think she is just a little bit nuts. But I like that bluntness, the reassuring confidence she oozes, even when things have gone from being crystal clear to murky vague.
“You will be a brilliant mother.” A friend smsed me on one of my low days, when I think I was seriously wondering out loud what possesses people like me, resplendent in questions and thinking, to want to have children. Why does anyone with half a brain want to temporarily or permanently alter their happy status quo, career path, change the way they live forever, and willingly turn into a bag of paranoia and hormones that cries while watching Kuch Kuch Hota Hai- for the millionth time? And does the fact that I question it make me a “case”? Do I have some intrinsic maternal gene missing in my genetic make up that makes me ask questions and not embrace motherhood in all its confusing glory? Is this an indication of what a completely at-loss mom I will be? And as the questions take shape in my mind and become familiar in the asking, answers start to emerge as well. Emotional as well as intellectual. Yes, it is the scariest ride of them all- yet, one that promises to be keep me on my toes, and as much as I am petrified, I am secretly thrilled also because in all this, I am somehow slowly learning to listen to myself more clearly- and maybe at the end (or beginning) of it all, that is what learning to be a mommy is all about.