life on hold?

B says she cannot see herself as a mom (yet?) because she doesn’t think she could live without her work. It is what defines her and without it, well, she wouldn’t be B, she says, souding worried. She and N have been married almost 2 years now. A crazy fast paced wonderful whirlwind of two years that show no sign of slowing down.

The last 4 months of momminess have been startling. Chaotic. Confusing. And earth shatteringly right. I could not have, of course, seen the rightness of it when I was happily submerged in my teaching and work. I loved that life and no amount of goo-goo eyed babies and their rhapsodizing glowing mothers could convince me that that is what k and I needed to make our family “complete”. “We are happy as we are now…” I went blue in the face saying. “We have each other and our work which we love and a great set of friends and really, right now isn’t the time.” We didnt’ just mouth the words, we actually meant them. So where in the well oiled machinery of it all, did we suddenly decide we wanted to throw in a little monkeywrench? And more importantly WHY?

“It’s like my life will have to go on hold if we decide to have a baby now,” says C. “And getting back into it will be so stressful and I will have lost out on precious time.” Her husband nods his agreement. A baby right now is NOT a good idea. They cannot afford to put their life on hold.

I am caught right now in the midst of a baby boom. They are being born with a fericuousness that belies us turning 30 this year. It is the Year of the Baby. I see transfortmation all around me- A previously die hard live and let live type mom has suddenly taken to telling all the others how they should have their kids sooner rather than later. Another mom to be quit her job and currently nurturing a more wholesome environment of non-competitiveness at home. The urge to change gets overwhelming and as you yourself succumb to the many wonders of mommyhood, the desire and need to drag along others is intense. You want to tell them how amazing the feeling of a kid is. But you shouldn’t. You want to extol the virtues of motherhood, how fulfilling it is, how perfect it feels and how you wonder why you ever thought this would hinder your career plans. THIS is the ultimate plan you want to shout deliriously happy. But you can’t. And more importantly you shouldn’t.

Timing is most important in all this. And that is what I meant to say. The rest? All fluff.


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5 thoughts on “life on hold?”

  1. hey just wanted to say that yah timing and being ready and whatever else your reasons may be are important, but one of the unfortunate factors is that as women our biological clocks are also ticking, and once u are over 30, it kinda starts ticking faster.
    Living abroad I see so many women who think that they may finally have done it all, and are in their late 30’s and now thinking of having their first kid. But unfortunately a lot of them do have trouble either conceiving or difficult pregnancies. All females who are delaying having kids should keep this in mind that unfortunately as we age it gets harder to have a kid. Also, things will never be “perfect”, there will always be something going on that may or will hinder you from having a kid. You can have a kid and have it “all”, depends on how one may view things. Anyway, this is just my opinion. Love your blog. Keep it up.

  2. oooh good point- yes thats another post altogether- the famous bio clock comment. yes i agree scientifically it does get harder perhaps the longer you wait but whats the point of bringin a kid into the world if you arent readsy? isn that as bad? poor child will be stuck in a situation where you are still tryiung to figure it out for yourself!

    having it all is so relative wouldnt you agree? the most impt thing being you have to eb happy inside with your point in life to move anywhere- to decide to want to have kids or not- the rest of course is upto God. 🙂

  3. life on hold… hahahahahhaah
    I hope that this certain someone realizes that there is no “un-hold” button. Once the baby is born, you’re always going to be a mom first, and everything else second (some women can miraculously manage a couple more roles simultaneously) — but seriously, mom first.

    But in the end, you’re right, the elite members of the “mommy club” know how great we have it, but we can’t convince others, they’ll have to take the leap themselves 🙂

  4. youre right hina of course- no matter how hard im trying to get back into the work mode or how well i might or might not be able to do it or how ready or not i was for it- for the next however many years inshallah, i AM a mom first 🙂 and maybe making peace with that job description is the first step to being content?

  5. i agree with you, moms shouldn’t try and convince non-moms to change anything. i really and honestly think that once we’re ready for children, whether we know it or not, the children will come – planned or not 🙂
    just like you went blue in the face telling people you were happy where you were at the time, we could go blue in the face telling people the joys and wonders of motherhood and babies and not get the point across.
    such is life. so you’re aboslutely right, timing’s everything!

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