I just read a blog on which a mom-to-be referred to her upcoming birth as a rebirth of herself. Thats what her grandmother and mother told her- that she will be someone completely different now. All i want to say is that whoever I am going to be, it had better happen fast because this in between time is driving me nuts.
Giving into being a mom has been so effortlessly easy that I wonder if I ever actually had any other capabilities. Almost everything that I held sacred to my own mind and manner for the last 10 years of stylish careering is suddenly up in a poof of smoke as the rampaging hormones demand that, instead of rushing to complete my work after Nadi sleeps, I sit and look at him. Trace his chubby cheeks with my fingers, smooth his eyebrows, finger that wayward tuft of blondness in the light brown hair. I memorized his features way back but everyday there is a slight change and I don’t want to miss out.
I took out my workbox yesterday. An interesting looking IKEA box filled to the brim with brochures, leaflets, logos, press ads, illustrations, annual reports, teachers booklets and posters designed by me. And as I riffled through them, I could see myself all charged and gung-ho- dreamy cloud filled image mind you- in all these different stages, getting into my beat up volkswagon puttering away to some meeting or the other. Meetings that went on for hours. Post meeting chit chats that went on for hours. Did i really have all these extra hours back then? My teaching started soon after. All the energy to change the world through my students in a Mona Lisa Smile kinda way. The endless dialogues on good and responsible design. Changing society through better communication. All that passion. It gets scary when you remember yourself as someone and cannot find that person inside you anymore. You wonder. Did I die? Am i reborn? And if so, who am I?
I pester k (poor k) with these questions quite often. Does he still recognize the cool working woman he met and fell in love with 5-6 years ago? Will I be able to remember all that I knew about teaching, life and design? Getting to know me as the me I am today has been interesting. I surprise myself a lot. I think I surprise my mom a lot too. In one random moment of excruciating honesty she told me that she was worried that I had been too careered to actually want a family. And that surprised me some more.
I think it’s a good thing. This new me thingy. It has given me the chance to be a whole host of things that I wasn’t sure I had the guts to be. Honest-er. Real-er. Blunt-er. Read-ier. Researchi-er. Learn-ier (some of those aren’t real words but you know what I mean). I am designing for myself- something I had forgotten to do. I am writing more- something that I love. I am choosing what work I want to take and rediscovering the power to say no to the more toxic work and things in life. There are moments when I get get missing pangs for the old me, mostly because well I had known her for so long, but this new me, she has the same spirit just defined differently and I am looking forward to seeing what she has in plan for the next few years as wife, mom, designer, teacher and whoever else she chooses to be.