morphy me.

 

I just read a blog on which a mom-to-be referred to her upcoming birth as a rebirth of herself. Thats what her grandmother and mother told her- that she will be someone completely different now. All i want to say is that whoever I am going to be, it had better happen fast because this in between time is driving me nuts.

Giving into being a mom has been so effortlessly easy that I wonder if I ever actually had any other capabilities. Almost everything that I held sacred to my own mind and manner for the last 10 years of stylish careering is suddenly up in a  poof of smoke as the rampaging hormones demand that, instead of rushing to complete my work after Nadi sleeps, I sit and look at him. Trace his chubby cheeks with my fingers, smooth his eyebrows, finger that wayward tuft of blondness in the light brown hair. I memorized his features way back but everyday there is a slight change and I don’t want to miss out.

I took out my workbox yesterday. An interesting looking IKEA box filled to the brim with brochures, leaflets, logos, press ads, illustrations, annual reports, teachers booklets and posters designed by me. And as I riffled through them, I could see myself all charged and gung-ho- dreamy cloud filled image mind you- in all these different stages, getting into my beat up volkswagon puttering away to some meeting or the other. Meetings that went on for hours. Post meeting chit chats that went on for hours. Did i really have all these extra hours back then?  My teaching started soon after. All the energy to change the world through my students in a Mona Lisa Smile kinda way. The endless dialogues on good and responsible design. Changing society through better communication. All that passion. It gets scary when you remember yourself as someone and cannot find that person inside you anymore. You wonder. Did I die? Am i reborn? And if so, who am I?

I pester k (poor k) with these questions quite often. Does he still recognize the cool working woman he met and fell in love with 5-6 years ago? Will I be able to remember all that I knew about teaching, life and design? Getting to know me as the me I am today has been interesting. I surprise myself a lot. I think I surprise my mom a lot too. In one random moment of excruciating honesty she told me that she was worried that I had been too careered to actually want a family. And that surprised me some more.

I think it’s a good thing. This new me thingy. It has given me the chance to be a whole host of things that I wasn’t sure I had the guts to be. Honest-er. Real-er. Blunt-er. Read-ier. Researchi-er. Learn-ier (some of those aren’t real words but you know what I mean). I am designing for myself- something I had forgotten to do. I am writing more- something that I love. I am choosing what work I want to take and rediscovering the power to say no to the more toxic work and things in life. There are moments when I get get missing pangs for the old me, mostly because well I had known her for so long, but this new me, she has the same spirit just defined differently and I am looking forward to seeing what she has in plan for the next few years as wife, mom, designer, teacher and whoever else she chooses to be.

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jammie

people who know me...know me.

14 thoughts on “morphy me.”

  1. i guess my morphing hasnt gone that far yet, but i see glimpses of familiarity in your post- esp the pestering k with quesition- i think we think too much, but sometimes i am glad we think so much-
    i am envious of your last paragraph, in terms of designing for yourself and i am promising myself to get there soon- with or without baby 🙂

  2. lovely post! 🙂

    i still have no idea what i am! i am working (outside home that is, lest you kill me!;) and being a mommy and both of it is fun and fulfiling in its own way!! 🙂

    glad to see you upbeat about the future and all that it hold for three of you! 🙂

    cheers!

  3. You know, women in my family aren’t encouraged to pursue an education after Bachelor’s if they aren’t married. I am a second-year bachelor student. My results this year are significant in determining whether I can join one of UK’s G5’s in 2009. It has ALWAYS been a dream and I’m very close to achieving it because I’ve always made sure I excel in my studies. Luckily, I’m blessed with a father who understands the importance of education – male or female. But at the same time, I know that if I go ahead with it, I will have to sacrifice my community’s expectations of me and personally battle the conflicts it would create in playing my social identity. I owe a lot to who I am because of my community, but if I pursue a Master’s say fom LSE or Imperial, then there’s a high possibility of me not getting married for a long time because ‘who likes qualified girls?’ …. (bs)

    Yet everytime I read your blog, I want to throw away my books and make my mom happy. I realise how my so called fear of society is just maternal instincts going haywire – in diguise.

  4. you probably wouldn’t have realised the previous passion if it wasn’t for mommyhood. You’re immensely lucky to experience both sides of the fence and in a while once Nadir is able to order pizza for himself and put on a DVD you’ll be able to go back to it all and teach even more “responsible design” and you won’t even have to look up from work when you tell him not to drop crumbs on the sofa.

    sorry for the rant, I’m just in the mood

  5. mariam mornings of glory- give it some time. youre on your way too hehe

    abha- work away- its another kind of high bhaee- i look fwd to joinng those ransk again inshallah one day

    cheeky- you are so good for my ego – dont EVER stop coming to my blog haha

    anon- i know what you mean- its them hormones and the woman lib thing- you want to succeed and youll do damn well at what you do- but every chubby cheeked child will reduce you to quivering happiness hehe. its our blessing and our curse!

    mayya- i AM very immednsely lucky allah ka shukar i realize that and k constantly reminds me that in some very short yrs i will be glad of this confusion and morphing im going through right now- esp since it afforded me the time with nadir. 🙂 but you know how we are na- always greener grass on the other side type crazies 🙂

  6. mariam mornings of glory- give it some time. youre on your way too hehe

    abha- work away- its another kind of high bhaee- i look fwd to joinng those ransk again inshallah one day

    cheeky- you are so good for my ego – dont EVER stop coming to my blog haha

    anon- i know what you mean- its them hormones and the woman lib thing- you want to succeed and youll do damn well at what you do- but every chubby cheeked child will reduce you to quivering happiness hehe. its our blessing and our curse!

    mayya- i AM very immednsely lucky allah ka shukar i realize that and k constantly reminds me that in some very short yrs i will be glad of this confusion and morphing im going through right now- esp since it afforded me the time with nadir. 🙂 but you know how we are na- always greener grass on the other side type crazies 🙂

  7. what a beautiful post sara! i always know you’ll understand where i’m coming from and better yet, will be 5 steps ahead in this confusion/exhilirating state of motherhood (to-be in my case)…this is one conversation we’ll have to have aram-seh the next time we find ourselves having lunch! 🙂

    i love this picture, btw..it captures your sentiments beautifully and nadir’s expressions are always priceless! 🙂

  8. wow lovely post, as mothers esp in a stay-at-home role we all have these random bouts of identity crisis but one usually tends to see a typical kind of SAHM ranting and it sooo takes you down with it.. its great to see a refreshing new perspective to this scenario..

    oh and Happy Birthday girl! may you have many more of these fulfilling years surrounded with people you love and stuff you love to do! aameen

  9. haha, nadir is like a little cartoon character with the faces he makes… i really do want to eat those droooopy cheeks

    happy birthdayoo sarah- may u continue to try to see the better in everything, wax eleqouent about it and bring light where ever u go (or write)
    happy first birthday as a mommy, it keeps getting better and better!!

  10. i luv ur post! am book marking it for when i go thru this part of life!
    hayeee i luv ur writings sara! plz write a book! or else i am making one of all ur writings and saving them! hoping u’ll sign it for me:$ please!

  11. as of late.. nadu’s picture has become therapeutic for me.. everytime i’m low.. i look at this picture.. and the cute innocence on his face makes me smile.. mashaAllah.. may he bring happiness wherever he goes.

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