judge thy partner


I think one of the big tests of love is religion, then perhaps distance, differences can be next, then there is pregnancy before the biggest test of them all- parenting.

Only after having a baby together can you look back and regard early couple marriage with its “issues” of space and identity with almost laughable derision. What was love, passion, connection  equality anyways, once looking back through the haze of labour, stitches, sleepless nights and baby time? When you signed that contract could you have imagined in your wildest dreams what would follow? Did he, the man standing next to you, know that instead of your hand, sone day he would be holding a diaper bag? And had he known that- the actual reality of a little person sleeping wedged between your solar plexi- would he have dreamily looked into your eyes and promised to love you in sickness and in health?

Ok very honestly k is a wonderful dad. Possibly the best I have seen. I am not showing off or preening or gloating. I am being absolutely fair. Very rarely have I seen guys actually not look distracted or forced when doing their kid time. (just today at the park the guy was messaging with one hand and trying to push the swing with his other) I have seen guys make that 2 second face before getting up to get a bottle or fetch a bag or nightmare of nightmares, change a poopy diaper. Better yet, I know guys who have had 2 kids and have yet to change a poopy diaper. K never flinches. Or pauses. Or says no. He reacts almost as fast as I do when Nadi makes an unhappy sound. He never says no to solo babysitting and actually insists I take time out to go with my friends. He is what one would term a complete hands-on father.

However, I have realized that no matter how much he does, and how appreciative he is of what I do, when I am sleep deprived after getting up 3 times in a row at night, or feeling the pressure of a work deadline mixed with the stress of not enough Nadi time, or simply tired because of the day’s house activities, I will look at him and judge him for the life he is able to lead without the crushing sense of guilt that he is damaging his child with every action/inaction during the day. The unchanginess of it all is enviable- because in that moment I feel (blaming the tiredness here of course), that my life – motherhood- has altered in ways I cannot begin to comprehend, whereas his – despite fatherhood- remains largely the same.


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9 thoughts on “judge thy partner”

  1. yes, i go through something similar every year when my mom (or anyone from home) visits and tells me how lucky i am that gman slaves around the house (and will inshallah be a good dad) …and im like but what about me?!! im also struggling without “the help”and doing all the chores and more..for him its “brownie points” ..for me its a tick off the ‘things aneela should do’ chart

  2. aneela- waisay one has to make peace withthe fact that that all (plus career and baby growing) all somehow does fall into the woman’s lot of things to do (and that too preferably before 30) whereas the all the guy really has to do is have a decent well paying job. he doesnt HAVE to get married or have kids by any deadline. hehe im not a male basher at all- im quite happy being the fabulous multi tasker but you know how some days are… 🙂

    athiest guy- since this post doesnt have anything to do with relgion other than the opening statement made more for effect and vaguely referring to a friends situation, im going to not go down that route. maybe anohter day. thanks for reading.

    mayya- oh FOR SURE. im not complaining at all- just airing. its still somewhat rare and the change is slow but its MOST definitely there. *little celebratory dance of joy*

  3. you’re lucky. mashalla.
    not everyone copes well with this sort of change. Or sometimes during the process of change not all the elements fall into the right place.. leaving you confused and frustrated.
    i really appreciate when ppl -esp these days- see the bright side of things 🙂

  4. oh…i completely agree….similar situation at home (has a 1+ yr old daughter)…& i was also saying my husband….that it is so easy for guys…its the girls who are under pressure always….(blog hopping & landed here…your kid is cute)

  5. I so hear you.. can totally relate to those sleepless nighs and guilt stricken days as opposed to his relatively more carefree ones.. thats how it is I guess!:)

  6. cheeky- its actually all too easy to be negative and trash it- and sometimes takes a lot to find humour in situations. but i think that humour approach works better in the long run because with perspective so much stuff is just…stuff. know what i mean?

    abha, AM, holmz- 🙂 i see people in similar situations band together hehe

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