I think one of the big tests of love is religion, then perhaps distance, differences can be next, then there is pregnancy before the biggest test of them all- parenting.
Only after having a baby together can you look back and regard early couple marriage with its “issues” of space and identity with almost laughable derision. What was love, passion, connection equality anyways, once looking back through the haze of labour, stitches, sleepless nights and baby time? When you signed that contract could you have imagined in your wildest dreams what would follow? Did he, the man standing next to you, know that instead of your hand, sone day he would be holding a diaper bag? And had he known that- the actual reality of a little person sleeping wedged between your solar plexi- would he have dreamily looked into your eyes and promised to love you in sickness and in health?
Ok very honestly k is a wonderful dad. Possibly the best I have seen. I am not showing off or preening or gloating. I am being absolutely fair. Very rarely have I seen guys actually not look distracted or forced when doing their kid time. (just today at the park the guy was messaging with one hand and trying to push the swing with his other) I have seen guys make that 2 second face before getting up to get a bottle or fetch a bag or nightmare of nightmares, change a poopy diaper. Better yet, I know guys who have had 2 kids and have yet to change a poopy diaper. K never flinches. Or pauses. Or says no. He reacts almost as fast as I do when Nadi makes an unhappy sound. He never says no to solo babysitting and actually insists I take time out to go with my friends. He is what one would term a complete hands-on father.
However, I have realized that no matter how much he does, and how appreciative he is of what I do, when I am sleep deprived after getting up 3 times in a row at night, or feeling the pressure of a work deadline mixed with the stress of not enough Nadi time, or simply tired because of the day’s house activities, I will look at him and judge him for the life he is able to lead without the crushing sense of guilt that he is damaging his child with every action/inaction during the day. The unchanginess of it all is enviable- because in that moment I feel (blaming the tiredness here of course), that my life – motherhood- has altered in ways I cannot begin to comprehend, whereas his – despite fatherhood- remains largely the same.