resolve.

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The last year has been anything but resolved so making 2009 new year’s resolutions felt weird. But as Hussy said, it is restart time so you can’t help but think of certain things you would want to do differently just to add to your bit in the general universe management. So I decided to ramble a bit- collect my thoughts about the last year; there won’t be a necessary plan of action that follows- but then again who knows- one might just evolve.

In this last year I steered clear of writing about things that happened outward in the world- I was busy concentrating on the inside me aspect of life- especially post the advent of Nadi in life. I got a lot of flak for it- mostly from blog readers who think by reading my blog they somehow have the right to judge me based solely on what I write about. Part of it was very conscious a decision and part of it was a a subconscious desire to not let the horrid happenings into my head life.

In this last year, I made a lot of promises to myself- based on mommies around me0- about all that I will not subject my child to. The not to do’s keep growing but I was happy to see that I saw many many moms whose ideas of parenting I felt very inspired by also, thankfully.

I didn’t write about everything as  much and as honestly as I could have. Some ways thats a good thing because I didnt want to rage endlessly over the Mumbai Terror attacks blame game- the few real conversations that I had with my Indian friends were enough to pacify me-  but in some ways thats a bad thing because I did want to write talk about the attack at the Marriott, the Israel-Gaza thing, the hurricanes, the bombings, the recession; I just did not know what to say that has not been said, and better said, before.

I spent a lot of time doing things I always wanted to do. Being with friends, real honest to God friends in front of whom you can say anything and not regret it later, visiting relative type extended people who were genuinely delighted to see me, cultivating actual relationships with actual conversations that both parties will remember, hanging out with the right person at the right time, writing only when it felt right, designing the way I like. It might have been a slower year career wise, but life wise, it rocked.

So many things that needed to be aired out and just said, actually got said and done. Finally. I admit there are still some left- and maybe in the next year, I will find the peace and strength in me to folow through but for now, I will celebrate this. A little less baggage to lug into 2009. Woo hoo!

I SO missed teaching. Once a week part-time stuff sustains ok for now I suppose, but the high, the sheer adrenaline rush of the everyday teaching- of walking in and seeing and feeling a difference being made on some level- I SO miss that. And I have not quite been able to convince myself that my need to feel that high is greater than needing to be with Nadi right now.

The tug of war continues. Me the mom vs Me the wife. I think I might have been fairly decent at both but I feel the pressure- the easy slide into complacenecy of a relationship- when you stop- well worrying in a way- about sustaining the magic, spark because you figure its all so good anyways.

 I allowed myself to stop making plans. The grand kind- you know of launching businesses, forming alliances, undertaking collaborative projects, planning exciting trips, buckling under the sheer practicality of “Will I have time for it with Nadi?” I have realized – and no it’s not too late, that the sheer force of the creative nature of these plans- whether they happen or not- is enough to keep me happy and sated. So must not deny self that. Nadi is now a part of all these plans.

Found the time and energy to take on some stuff that if I had stopped and thought even a minute more about, I probaly would never have embarked upon. All you need are the right people believing that you are an integral part of the workings and you can work miracles, with a toddler attached to hip even.

Small prayer here for all the things that went amazingly right in the last year and a big prayer for all the things that didn’t. Whatever come our way we cant control, but we can ask for the strength to be able to deal with it, with grace and patience and tolerance and as much understanding as we can muster. 2009, we have high hopes for you.

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jammie

people who know me...know me.

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