As Paul Sweeney said, and S reminded me in her wish to me this year, “A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. And the order varies for any given year.” Of course that led me to thinking what the varying order has been for me and k over the last 4 years.
Year one, I think was love and tolerance at top- in the first year of the marriage bubble was actually a bubble. I felt all new and smiley – hopefully not to the point of ickness though (I think it was all the new stuff- new makeup/new furnture/clothes and oh yes life). Life was at a restart point and it felt all possibility-ful and can-go anywhere-y. At the same time, no matter how happy and best friends you are with your hub, the living together is a bit of a shocker. If you have gotten used to the personal space in 28 yrs, it aint gonna go away just because you fell in love. Words of wisdom- and a few fights.
Year two I think the focus moved more to the partnership part of things. When the home stuff started feeling routine. The bills, the living expenses, the trips, the decisions that used to be all mine, were now someone else’s also. I wish I could say that it was a relief, which maybe in hindsight it was, but it was also weird to have to ask someones opinion on things, or listen to their take, or worse yet, follow their advice. It gets easy to be on our own, to do things the way you want to, with no one to really confer with. As M tells it, we are the ones who walk in front, with the passports in hand, taking charge of how we want to do things, wanting to sit in the aisle seat, and we never expected husbands to want to do the same. 🙂 For us year two also meant Nadi. Does it get more partnership than that?
Year 3 was about tolerance. I dont know how many moms feel this- but having a kid is HUGE. It means having a perpetual conversation a la psycho style, with yourself at all times, weighing the good of one decision versus the bad of another. I think I left k out so many times that he would get left behind in this mad race I was on to keep the juggling on. Work, Nadi, Old Life, New Life, Mom, Friend, Sister, Daughter etc etc etc. It was always one more thing to do, and although i love checklists, especially the part where I get to cross out what I have accimplished, this was one list that was simply not getting resolved. Poor k, yes but of course its not as easy asa that. Annoyance- why arent you more into the New Babied Life? Resentment- why hasnt YOUR life changed as much as mine? Hormones- I want to feel special, not fat. Babies are adorable and much more worth it than one can ever really imagine but the process, let me tell you, there are time when it just aint pretty. And for those of us who have made it to year two, please take a bow right now.
The last year- Year 4- has been amazing (Allah ka Shukar). We have gotten our mojo back in all senses of the word and I would put love right back up at there at the top (with tolerance). Its always an uphill task to get two people to start living together- reagrdless of how badly they want to- and its even harder still when th changes that happen to both are not equal or perfect. Throw in a baby or two and the whole thing can just blow up in your face. I think thats where tenacity comes in. You have to hold on to that initial feeling of belonging together, of knowing that you got into this to ride the waves together. I think it comes in when despite the fact that jobs get harder, rains get messier, moods get swingier, and babies get more expensive, you are still, on some level, having the time of your life roughing it out with the person you wanted to do this whole life thing with. And in the end maybe it is just as simple as that.
photo by kay