23/07/09

As Paul Sweeney said, and S reminded me in her wish to me this year, “A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. And the order varies for any given year.”  Of course that led me to thinking what the varying order has been for me and k  over the last 4 years.

Year one, I think was love and tolerance at top- in the first year of the marriage bubble was actually a bubble. I felt all new and smiley – hopefully not to the point of ickness though (I think it was all the new stuff- new makeup/new furnture/clothes and oh yes life).  Life was at a restart point and it felt all possibility-ful and can-go anywhere-y. At the same time, no matter how happy and best friends you are with your hub, the living together is a bit of a shocker. If you have gotten used to the personal space in 28 yrs, it aint gonna go away just because you fell in love. Words of wisdom- and a few fights.

Year two I think the focus moved more to the partnership part of things. When the home stuff started feeling routine. The bills, the living expenses, the trips, the decisions that used to be all mine, were now someone else’s also. I wish I could say that it was  a relief, which maybe in hindsight it was, but it was also weird to have to ask someones opinion on things, or listen to their take, or worse yet, follow their advice. It gets easy to be on our own, to do things the way you want to, with no one to really confer with. As M tells it, we are the ones who walk in front, with the passports in hand, taking charge of how we want to do things, wanting to sit in the aisle seat, and we never expected husbands to want to do the same. 🙂 For us year two also meant Nadi. Does it  get more partnership than that?

Year 3 was about tolerance. I dont know how many moms feel this- but having a kid is HUGE. It means having a perpetual conversation a la psycho style, with yourself at all times, weighing the good of one decision versus the bad of another. I think I left k out so many times that he would get left behind in this mad race I was on to keep the juggling on. Work, Nadi, Old Life, New Life, Mom, Friend, Sister, Daughter etc etc etc. It was always one more thing to do, and although i love checklists, especially the part where I get to cross out what I have accimplished, this was one list that was simply not getting resolved. Poor k, yes but of course its not as easy asa that. Annoyance- why arent you more into the New Babied Life? Resentment- why hasnt YOUR life changed as much as mine? Hormones- I want to feel special, not fat. Babies are adorable and much more worth it than one can ever really imagine but the process, let me tell you, there are time when it just aint pretty. And for those of us who have made it to year two, please take a bow right now.

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The last year- Year 4- has been amazing (Allah ka Shukar). We have gotten our mojo back in all senses of the word and I would put love right back up at there at the top (with tolerance). Its always an uphill task to get two people to start living together- reagrdless of how badly they want to- and its even harder still when th changes that happen to both are not equal or perfect. Throw in a baby or two and the whole thing can just blow up in your face. I think thats where tenacity comes in. You have to hold on to that initial feeling of belonging together, of knowing that you got into this to ride the waves together. I think it comes in when despite the fact that jobs get harder, rains get messier, moods get swingier, and babies get more expensive, you are still, on some level, having the time of your life roughing it out with the person you wanted to do this whole life thing with. And in the end maybe it is just as simple as that.

photo by kay

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jammie

people who know me...know me.

9 thoughts on “23/07/09”

  1. my god…bahut lambee zindagi hai…i was`mentally composing a not to you this morning re how k has disappeared in your ‘story of us’and to put up a post K nd you centric ( though I do love the Nadi ness of you). thanks for this..and all my prayers for the year ahead (Is year 5 when you exchange progress reprorts?)

  2. oh yeah. year 5, exchanging progress reports! .. u know you can make this into a movie 🙂

    i appreciate the honesty in this post.
    may allah always shower his blessings on you and your family.

  3. WOW…I wish I’d read that BEFORE I got married lol! that is sooo true, and therefore probably soo normal and yet when I went through it all (and dealt with it all messily) it seemed like why me?! mashallah things are sooo much better 6 years on…much more relaxed and second nature’s just become first….but seriously you should write a book on this being so good with words and every girl getting married should read it first so its not a shocker!!!
    Umi Xx

  4. Eloquently written.What a magical energy you put into words.The creative energy emanating from you counter-balances the current climate in the media/country.If the wider world just found their way back to an ‘attitude of gratitude ‘ we’d all be more blessed like you.As the Almighty says ‘fear nothing but me’.

  5. thanks guys 🙂 keep us in your duas.

    aneela/cheeky we changed the date to ten years now agreeing that 5 yrs together doesnt seem like too long a time- plus it gives us more time to plan which exotic location we shall actually open these letters at!

    es mama: i think i got lucky allah ka shukar and my view is limited 🙂 but hey im not complaining!

    sobia- if is the right person, nothing to be scared of.

    gerwaine- thanks- i love it when people use phrases like creative energy in context with me because its the one thing i feel that i really want to put out int he world 🙂 waisay it really is na- all about the attitude of gratitude- lovely phrase

  6. You’re very welcome!I like that phrase too,I hear there’s a similar one in the Holy Book which goes, ‘when I thank my Allah,my Allah gives me more’.I’ve yet to find it though.Re creative energy,it is feminine energy, while competitive energy is the masculine.For harmony within myself I have to balance both:the yin and yang.The amazing thing though is,only the creative energy brings our thoughts,visions and duas into being!
    ‘Respect your women’ was one of the prophet’s last commands from his deathbed,I feel blessed to be reminded why.

    Happy Independence Day and best wishes in the ongoing creation of a prosperous Pakistan for all.

  7. how can you articulate your life and feelings so beautifully. just loved reading this. and may your life together just keep getting with every passing year.

    cheers!

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