the sound of violence

By nature I am a sarcastic being. My aggression, anger, and all those other negative defensive friends of mine get manifested in my words because I don’t condone hitting people. Violence begets violence and all that. Perhaps my way can be more hurtful at times, but taken in the right strain, it can also be more healing for both parties involved. However I have recently realized that my violent nature flutters into awakening every now and then only when I see examples of the parenthood humanity kind who deserve nothing less than a sound spanking.

A father of a 4 year old and a 2 year old stood behind me informing his other Neanderthal friends how he has never lifted a finger to help his wife with the kids at home. “I provide and she manages the house- thats how it goes in our culture. My mother would really disapprove if she imagined I was helping out at home, ” he finished puffing out his chest with what he probably assumed was manliness. I didn’t have the heart to tell mama’s boy that the apron strings had managed to choke his manhood if he was going around making statement like that in public.

I saw a 3 year kid with glasses (glasses just makes them so much more vulnerable looking) crying his heart out infront of the school today. He was clinging to his driver, a big hairy teddy bear of a man, and sobbing his eyes out. The driver looked around helplessly waiting for a kind teacher to come and take this poor child into school. For that second suddenly I became the kid and that feeling of utter abandonment swept over me as I wondered why my mom wasn’t there. In this day and age of kidnappings and murders and other crazy things, why can’t a family member- ANY family member come to drop a 3 year old to school?

Soon after Nadi was born, a socialite aunty and her 30-something daughter came to visit us. We are related. Amidst many other jewels of advice she also said to try and feed him as less I can, preferably only 2 weeks or so, because its such a  burden (bandish – which translates to trapping literally, was her exact word) and really interferes with your life, citing the example of her with her poor daughter sitting right there. “She really held me back from having a social life- she had no set timings and by week 4 I was just sick of it.” Judging from the daughter’s pinched stressed face and what I have heard about them, I can see how healthy and amazing this relationship turned out to be.

I see all these relationships that could have gone so right with a little bit f simple effort from the parent and it makes me blood boil when parents make remarks that make it seem like the child is a burden, like the baby came to them as a responsibility and a duty but not as a source of joy or happiness. What good can possibly come out bringing a little person into the world who you’re going to screw up right from the word go?

I know my judgy-want-to-slap people rant has many loopholes in it, because of course situations are madly relative and there are always reasons exonerating one of what one does, but the fact of the whole matter can be viewed quite simply as far as I see it; if you have a kid, you had better do your darnedest best to do the best you can possibly do – given your own circumstances, sure. Anything less than that IS a judgement on you.

I see my doctor friends abroad struggle to keep all the balls in the air while they work and try to raise some semblance of a normal family- their methods may be circumspect by my standards but the intentions and attempt more than make up for it. And maybe best intentions are what  pull us through in the end.

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9 thoughts on “the sound of violence”

  1. Couldnt agree more. I’ve already posted previously about the horror of seeing a driver hugging a little girl when he picked her up from school and recently have come across new moms who seem to just have a baby because they feel they should, not because they want to. Dont know if youre applying to some of the “prestigious” schools in khi for Nadir, but I came across really flashy, hoity toity moms when i went to this one school which gave me a strange vibe…It is such a blessing to have a baby and so sad to see people treat it in a trivial manner…and the worst is when moms dont take responsibility for their kids actions- their kid doesnt eat/sit/play and instead of introspection, they either make up stupid excuses or blame the child’s innate personality…i could go on and on, so im going to leave it there :))

  2. tell socialite aunty BF gives you wings…Ive been able to go on all my jaunts and to work (the 9 months I did before the MOVE) because of the freedom it gave me…but what would I know I might have Stockholm Syndrome after my one year bandish. Phir tau insaan piyar bhi na karey….

  3. batool- hahah im not sure what prestigious schools means- but thankfully i have run across very nice normal down to earth moms where i am 😀

    And yes i know the kinds of moms youre talking about. the oines who eat calmly while their kid wreaks havoc all around- thing is sure it could be the innate personality of the kid to be a demolition expert but there has to be some semblance of parental control right? if i see a mom TRYING, i automatically sympathize with her- the ones who dont care are the ones who need to be slapped.

    aneela- considering i broke all records, i dont think i have a social life left!

  4. One of the many scary things you get to study in clinical psychology are shitty parents. And I don’t give those asses second chances when they’re out and about mistreating their offspring and giving it some lame spin like they don’t have time or they’d rather have careers or any other stuff that makes me wonder, ‘Why did you NOT think of that before you had the baby?’

    And ohh, dear GOD, come on … you’re not being judgmental here! I think there comes a point in certain circumstances where the truth is just truth and it is what it is. You have to try harder, you have to give it your best and if you aren’t doing that (unless you’re stuck in Somalia or some other war-torn zone with UNDP the only thing saving your ass) you don’t deserve to be a parent. And if this is the kind of tough love you need to give to people who are around you to get their act together and raise a child properly – it’s worth it. A child is a HUMAN BEING that deserves, needs and has the RIGHT to be loved and taken care of regardless of everything.

    So please don’t apologize for these posts, they are right in their respect and the more people understand the meaning of good parenting the better it is for the world.

  5. sigh. minerva. I dont think I was apologizing but once in a blue moon, there is a parent who is justified in the crazy behaviour so im giving them some leeway. I agree with you- there are no greys here. it has to do with a BABY. and unless youre really strapped , there are no valid excuses.

  6. Hmm. Okay, so maybe you weren’t apologizing but I often feel that you try to really make an effort to explain your stance … which is good .. but Jammie, the more and more people read blogs of people like you who’ve got careers and are managing to raise a kid with the best of their abilities … and the more they read how you feel about the ‘don’ts’ of parenting … the better it is. That’s why I felt that your opinion was completely valid and you shouldn’t have to explain your judgment. Regardless of how much we want to sound un-judgy-ranty … judgment is what eventually can shape the final who-we-are and make a difference sometimes. Which is what I see in this case. 🙂

  7. the way i write is the way i sort it in my head- and i generally, yes do try to give more the benefit of the doubt because there are two things that happen- the situation comes to bite you in the ass- meaning you find yurself in the very place you were judging- or you limit your growth by seeing things only as you want to see them. I think there are so many trillion greys in situations that i try to keep reminding myself of those. Thats not me being apologetic or explanatory- its me giving space for a circumstance that i have no anticipated.

    as far as judegment goes- yes i think we are all judegemntal and it does shape who we become- im just not comfotrable with being too well defined and shaped just yet- i think that leeway helps me grow- its a personal take but since you brought it up- i fel i had to find the words that explained it bext to me also 🙂

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