It was meant to be a regular ultrasound. One that confirms the pregnancy and heartbeat flicker. So when I saw the sonologist who is usually quite pokerfaced, start peering and squinting at the screen, I mentally convinced myself that the time wasn’t right anyways and that I could always have another baby when Nadi was somewhat older. Then she requested an internal examination and as anyone who has gone the baby route before would confirm, that spells some concern of a kind. I reluctantly agreed, all the scary stories of friends running through my head. Here I would also like to clraify that it was NO big deal. Not even close to the hype around. Or she was just that good at making me comfortable. Anyhow.
She hmms at the screen now, saying the picture was much clearer and haan they are both doing fine. At which my head snaps up from the pillow. Both? I ask, zombie-like. “Yes, both”” she conforms with a nod and then finally takes notice of my expression. “You DO know you are having twins right?” “Umm no, this is my first scan.” Suddenly her face cleared, I suppose my veritably odd behaviour made sense to her. “I thought it was your first scan with me! Oh congrats. Yes yes they are both fine, I could only see one heartbeat but two sacs, and I think heartbeats were in harmony and they behind each other so it was not showing up as separate flickers, but yes now its clear. See they are both fine,” she concludes beaming at me. I slowly put my head back into the pillow as a thouand conversations simultaneously start up in my head.
Somehow I manage to get off the table, thank her, drive home, all in auto-mode. If someone was to ask me how I felt, I would literally have no words. You know when the news is so big it takes over your entire space and life and existence, well there it was. I arrive at my mom’s, get out of the car and while walking towards the lift, speed dial k, promptly bursting into tears as he answers the phone.
Its been several weeks to this incident and I relive it quite often- that first sense of incredulous wonder and shock. Its become my drug du jour and each time I find myself getting scared or bogged down by the reality that people insist on enforcing one you (you will need to get help/your life is over/hai allah how will you manage), I think back to those early few minutes of complete abandoned thrilling dizzying high and relive that, blurring out the logistics, riding the rush for now, no matter what tomorrow brings.