Leila in our lives; Zoya in our hearts.

Several times over the last 3 weeks I have, in the moments when I am not caught up with the new momminess of it all, wondered how so amazing joy and such deep heartbreak can coexist so peacefully. Β I wonder how it is possible to feel something for someone you didn’t really even get a chance to know or hold properly. Leila and Zoya arrived almost 7 weeks early on 09-09-10. So perfectly timed- a day before their cousin Leena was also born. Three cousin-sisters born a day apart- what could be better? Our cup of joy literally runneth over, even though both of them were in the NICU.

I think my prayer for Zoya changed when I saw her. She was so small. So very tiny. I didnt just want her- I wanted her perfect. I didnt want her to suffer all her life- or be less than everything I wanted Β her to be. Isn’t that what we dream of for our children? Aren’t the hardest prayers the ones we leave upto Him to decide on whether to grant or not? Perhaps there is a sense of relief in our helplessness, in realizing that there are things and plans far bigger, way vaster than anything we can even begin to imagine- that we in our vision are really that small. And in relinquishing that sense of control, we accept so much. And maybe that is the strength that pulls us through eventually.

I understand that the choice of how to feel is mine. I can let the loss define me or I can let what I have shape the future.When I look at Leila everyday- Leila with the gorgeous big expressive eyes and the wise expressions and sudden smiles, I know for sure that the blessings far outweigh the trials.

Leila love, welcome to this wonderful life, and Zoya baby, rest in peace, I love you and will always miss you.

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jammie

people who know me...know me.

25 thoughts on “Leila in our lives; Zoya in our hearts.”

  1. Oh Jammie…..I am so sorry for your loss…i know the words seem really hollow….sending lost of wishes, prayers and hugs your way!
    May God bless Leila and your family….

  2. Dearest Jammie,

    Just wanted to echo a warm welcome to dear Leila and may dear Zoya rest in peace. I am so sorry for your loss. Many best wishes and prayers for you and your family.

  3. I dont even know what to say to u and cannot even imagine what ur going through, May Allah give u and ur family strength and keep u safe. i do have to tell u after feeling up then down for the past year because of what my son is going through u through ur post have literally given me the strength.

  4. Congratulations on the new addition, many duas for you and your family. Praying Allah grants you with even greater strength. All the best to you and your family.

  5. Reading ur blogs and knowing the fact that u were expecting twins had me exicited cause me and my sis are twins. Congrats for Leila and sorry to hear about Zoya. All the very best to you and your family.

  6. Oh Jammie, only you could write such a beautiful post with a such a touching title. Many congratulations and duas for you and your family. God bless you all. Have you read this mommy blog? She is a very funny writer and went through something similar that you did. Thought you may want to read her. http://www.morethanjustamother.com/

    1. thanks so much for the duas and for the link too- it helps somehow to know how other people survive their lives with humour and strength. πŸ™‚

    2. Sharbet, thank you for pointing Jammie in my direction πŸ™‚
      Jammie, I’m so very sorry to read about your loss. Please do get in touch if you ever need to chat x

  7. Jammie,

    This is definitely bittersweet. Many, many Congratulations on Leila’s arrival and deepest sorrow for Zoya. Lots of hugs and duas for you. x

  8. thank you everyone for the prayers and thoughts- please keep us in them. leilas doing well allah ka shukar- and yes, its good to be back on the blog πŸ˜€

  9. I had tears in my eyes reading this – can’t imagine what you must’ve gone through. Wishing you much, MUCH strength and happiness.

  10. A hug for both you and Leila. Sorry about Zoya, may you all find the streght to look beyond grief and live with joy.
    How is Nadi reacting towards the new bundle of joy? πŸ™‚

  11. Prayers for you and your family… Congratulations on Leila’s arrival and commiserations on the return of the angel to heaven. May Almighty Allah bless all of you.

  12. OMG Sara! I am left speechless.
    I can’t imagine how you must be feeling when even I am left with such a heartbreaking feeling within myself.

    I wish you lots and lots of strength and many prayers for little Leila.

  13. i’m crying, but know that people you’ve never met love you and your family and are praying for them to have so much light and love and happiness in their life ke sub ghum mitt jayen. love always.

  14. Oh sweety !! I cannot help but marvel at your strength that you chose to share this with us .. and with so much of composure .. Lots of love for you and your family .. Am sorry for your loss and I hope that there is lots of sunshine and laughter in your lives.
    Lots of love and hugs to leila . She is adorable .. Can’t wait to see more pics of her ..

  15. ‘I understand that the choice of how to feel is mine. I can let the loss define me or I can let what I have shape the future.’

    You are so inspiring!

    I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through. I have an 18 month old daughter, and now I when I have a baby, I can realize the enormity of losing a child! You are a brave girl, and you will raise two brave, very confident children for this world, who will value the importance of loss, and living through loss and coming out stronger on the other side.

    I lost my father in January of this year after a short but very traumatic battle with brain cancer, and I also realized soon after, that I had a choice. To let this loss shape me into a bitter, dejected person or to lift me up in ways I couldn’t have done without going through this. I realized I had to continue my dad’s legacy and all that he taught me and to come out of this a better person. Because sadly if I don’t, his life and his death will all go to waste. And I just cannot let that happen.

    Will look forward to reading more from you!

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