Several times over the last 3 weeks I have, in the moments when I am not caught up with the new momminess of it all, wondered how so amazing joy and such deep heartbreak can coexist so peacefully. I wonder how it is possible to feel something for someone you didn’t really even get a chance to know or hold properly. Leila and Zoya arrived almost 7 weeks early on 09-09-10. So perfectly timed- a day before their cousin Leena was also born. Three cousin-sisters born a day apart- what could be better? Our cup of joy literally runneth over, even though both of them were in the NICU.
I think my prayer for Zoya changed when I saw her. She was so small. So very tiny. I didnt just want her- I wanted her perfect. I didnt want her to suffer all her life- or be less than everything I wanted her to be. Isn’t that what we dream of for our children? Aren’t the hardest prayers the ones we leave upto Him to decide on whether to grant or not? Perhaps there is a sense of relief in our helplessness, in realizing that there are things and plans far bigger, way vaster than anything we can even begin to imagine- that we in our vision are really that small. And in relinquishing that sense of control, we accept so much. And maybe that is the strength that pulls us through eventually.
I understand that the choice of how to feel is mine. I can let the loss define me or I can let what I have shape the future.When I look at Leila everyday- Leila with the gorgeous big expressive eyes and the wise expressions and sudden smiles, I know for sure that the blessings far outweigh the trials.
Leila love, welcome to this wonderful life, and Zoya baby, rest in peace, I love you and will always miss you.