the last 2 months, people and me.

When sorrow comes, we have no right to ask “Why did this happen to me?” unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way ~ Anonymous.

Do condolences trump congratulations in order? Does sadness overshadow happiness? Does hope beat despair? When two things of completely opposite nature exist side by side, you can only pause at the fork in the road and physically decide which way to go. You can go down the unhappy road because its easier to indulge that why me? thingy in life. Or you can take that sorrow strap it on and move down the happiness lane. The sorrow will always be there, attached to your side, sometimes feeling heavier on days when you are more tired, more vulnerable, but the winner should always be happiness because if its not, you are not being fair to what you get.

An old cousin of my grandmothers who came a visiting soon after we got Leila home seriously advised me that we should try to never let Leila find out she had a twin sister because it could affect her in ways we don’t know. Another old lady (you can see its a generation thing) was hell bent on focusing on how Leila has such a burden to carry because she is one half of a twosome- that she looked wiser than babies do, that she has seen loss and sadness beyond her age. I guess its true, misery does love company.  A lot of people- especially older generations- are so much more in mode where the drama of loss is concerned as opposed to the joy of gain. I got a lot more attention this time also- because people came to condole with us rather than to congratulate us- and they would always start by saying how sorry they were. I would feel my smile freeze a bit because as much as Zoya being gone affected me, Leila being there was more potent, more real, more important. I wanted that to be the priority- my beautiful little baby girl who was there and I simply couldn’t understand why others did not see that. A friend actually asked me if I would be sending out the sweets and birth announcement as I had done at Nadi’s time given “all that has happened”. I was stumped. I hadn’t even thought NOT to. (see accompanying pic!)

Over the last two months, there are so many things I have wondered about grief, tests, happiness and how we as people handle it all especially when they come so close together.  A cousin who is actually quite close sounded absolutely awkward when he called me- and in the end it was me who ended up holding the entire conversation while he just laughed or answered monosyllabically. Ironically enough, some complete strangers managed to find the most perfect words, words that reduced me to what I will call healing tears. Some people did not give words a chance. When S finally got in town a few weeks later, she didn’t feel the need to say something, she just crossed the room right over and hugged me, again with the tears conveying so much more than words could. Some people who I thought were close enough to barge through all those barriers one puts up to test others, shut themselves out completely, making me feel both resentful and needy.

What you need at a confusing time is really honestly…confusing. You cannot really  judge or blame others for not knowing what to do because you don’t know yourself what will strike the right chord when and what will seem like intrusion. But you do anyways. You figure that something like this- something this huge requires them to figure it out- demands that they put aside all their social awkwardness and questions and simply figure out the realest, most genuine way to make their support felt. And many times, you are deeply maniacally grateful for those people who didn’t care and burst through the proprieties to take charge without asking you over and over again what they should do and when they should visit and how do you feel. They just showed up with the cheesecake and coffee and plonked down on the nearest chair to tell you the gossip. They didn’t feel the need to nod understandingly and ask “How are you coping?”  And the best part is that they didn’t feel the need to avoid it either.

I don’t know what impact, if any, being one half of a twinset will have on Leila’s life just yet. I know many people in their duas said that she will bring me her sisters share of the joy also- and inshallah she will but that’s not important to me. What is important is that she realizes that though she may have come to us in trying circumstances, but she has brought us complete and utter joy and was actually the reason we were able to turn what could have been a very hard test into a complete blessing.

 

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jammie

people who know me...know me.

14 thoughts on “the last 2 months, people and me.”

  1. Sara I swear, I haven’t been able to google a blog as amazing and as positive as yours! Your optimism brings so much more strength to my life…it’s crazy! I owe you a humongous thanks because your words remind me to pick the right road every time I am stuck at a fork!

    You’re such a great mother. Your kids are truly blessed! And they’re gonna know it when they grow up and face life on their own.

  2. Apart from celebrating the ‘drama of loss’ that a certain group of people are eager to establish, there is also a certain advice about denial like you rightly mentioned. I’ve seen so many people who lose their loved ones choose not to discuss mention or even talk about the ones they have lost because they’d rather deny it and move past it rather than face it and understand the effect that it has on them. You can guess just how many conflicts that begins to root.

    I think you’ll do the right thing in telling Leila everything that she needs to know – when the time comes. Loss is never easy, it’s never a simple emotion (regardless of how categorical social pressure makes it out to be) and it’s a part of growth. And considering how much you love your baby, this acceptance will come smoothly, if not easily, to you and to your brand new munchkin.

    : )

    1. i think sometimes denial is ok- but its so temporary- since the reality of it does come back to thwap you. i think anything can be an amazing story if you only have the strength to make it so. so, inshallah!

  3. Can I just say- again- I truly admire your strength and optimism? I know, (and pray) InshaAllah, Leila will also become as strong and positive as her mother is.
    And how lovely is that birth announcement giveaway? LOVE the calligraphy 🙂
    Can’t wait to hear stories about Leila, InshaAllah. How’s she doing?

  4. Ok I don’t normally comment here but Stay assured I never miss any post. I had often witnessed your optimism on cloudkhizzy but right now I am almost in the state of a big massive WOW. You are a powerhouse of positive energy
    looking forward to leila stories:)
    when I marry I will surely push my better half to go through your blog.

    1. poor guy- he will probably be like yeh KYA parha rahee ho!! but thanks. means a lot coming from people who say they have been following from the start 😀

  5. we can’t deny God’s will and we’ve to accept whatever He does for us. congratulations on your baby and just concentrate on taking care of your son and daughter. wish you loads of happiness.

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