To mark the six month mark for Leila (and Z- I always think of them together when writing about their birthday), I wanted to do a little retrospective- a kind of a look back on how I have evolved as a mom, as a person and while 6 bullet points are certainly not enough to fill the words that have swirled in my head every single day of the last 24 weeks, it’s a much needed beginning atleast.
1. With Nadi I was excited, with Leila I am awed. Perhaps the way she came about accounts for the fact that every time I look at her, my heart squeezes just a little, and I have at certain times even found myself short of breath with how overwhelmed I can feel. On some good (or was it bad?) days, it feels like every single nerve ending of your body has been exposed to feelings and it is almost more than I can take.
2. Actually having and raising Baby No.2 is easy peasy japanesey- except for the part where you have no time left in life. Everything simply happens without you even trying. I have no idea how she turned 6 months old, started having semi solids and rolling over without any input encouragement or help from my side. Weren’t the first few months supposed to be the hardest? Where on earth did they fly by too?
3. I have no brain space left. there have been entire chunks of time- hours, days, weeks even that have simply evaporated into thin air with the mundane fulfilling of child-oriented tasks- pamper changing, painting, cycling, reading, googlying, massaging, park, football, bathing, eating. I don’t remember the last time I had a luxurious stretch of time to truly call my own. Work now happens in tiny little spurts of free time I scrounge out during the day and the whole work/mom balance thing is hanging precariously and tilting madly at any given time.
4. I wish I could say I am better at it now- that I have a zen like calm when I need to tackle situations because I now have the deep understanding that children need to be dealt with like diplomats. But no such luck. The ability to completely lose it hovers dangerously near the surface now and anything from as tiny as lack of sleep to as major as a toddler tantrum can result in a completely uncalled for reaction in me ranging from banshee-like screaming to hysterical sobbing.
5. I know I am infinitely more grateful and humbled with two than I was with one because the interaction between them is something far greater far deeper and far more sublime than anything I could have imagined. I know its early days yet and the worst of sibling rivalry and gender difference issues is yet to come but looking at the two of them, I can see a kind of connection- and its amazing.
6. Perhaps we have more kids to allow our own selves to expand and grow more in ways we never thought possible. Six months down, I know I have unraveled a lot of the typecasting I had done in my life. I have revisited friends, relationships, commitments and reordered their priority ruthlessly, selfishly. I know I am harder now on people but I am happy to know that I am also now in the process of cultivating relationships which are hopefully realer and longer lasting.