Oct 5: I Wish I Were More…Less.

When the topic first got posted, a whole gamut of words flew by in my head.
Patient. Dissociated. Ruthless. Adventurous. A few years ago, I wanted to be a wholly more ‘me’.

After all those many years of striving to be more of everything above, when faced with this statement yesterday,
funnily enough all the things that were coming to my head were things I wish I was less of.
Involved.  Conscious. Aware. Forgiving. In most of my posts now, I keep coming back to this past year being definitive in many ways. In a most major way what it did was strip away a lot of the layers- all the mores I suppose I had collected over the years. What it left behind, hovering dangerously close to the surface  in an about-to-erupt kind of way, was a lot of emotions and adjectives that, at this point, I can only wish I was a little less of. I have no doubt that those peeled off coatings will grow back eventually, as is must for survival and thrival but for now it feels quite raw and interesting.

Interesting because I have never been the kind of person to be able to disconnect completely from things that feature in my spheres of existence. I am proud of it and not porud of it in more or less equal measures. So this is new and I like it. I like this moment of epiphany that has extended its stay because, despite being too much to handle on a lot of accounts consistently, it has the remarkable power of making you cut cleanly to the matter at hand. Being more of so much makes you ruthless. You are able to decide with the sweep of a hand who to invest in and who to put on hold. It allows you the clarity of vision to decide between two things, both of which are differently and equally important to you. It also resolves a lot of the needless in decisions we place upon ourselves on a daily basis. You choose without that much more concern and guilt what is most important to you.

I don’t know about this kind of heightened living being good for the health in the long run but for now, I love it.


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