It is very odd how someone can not be yours and yet belong to you.
That week at the hospital, waiting for babies to get well and be strong and then losing Zo, all seems so dark, because despite having had the babies, I hadn’t really. I had anticipated a mad busy time, literally juggling the kids, but suddenly the NICU had claimed them and I was left with so much time to twiddle my thumbs while waiting for those many daily reports of bilirubin counts and haemoglobin nunbers. All I can say is thank God for big families, persistent friends, the internet and brand new nieces.
Because I couldn’t have Nadi in the hospital, the next best thing to occupy my twiddly thumbs was the new baby next door. K and I
would find any and every opportunity to go to M’s room and bring Leena to ours. It happened so many times that the nurse would come in to check and would find her with us until they all started getting confused as to whose baby was where. “Are you twins who had twins?” we were asked. And we would patiently explain no, we were sisters and we just had three daughters between us. Because thats what it felt like.
Perhaps thats why it all happened in the warped timeline that it did. Three cousin sisters born in the space of 20 hours.
To be completely true to the emotion of the time, I don’t think I could have made it without having a baby to cuddle in that week.
And God made this one to be cuddled. With her fat fat dimpled cheeks and chubby arms and gorgeous eyes, she was a hug disguised as a person. She still is. You look at her and she embodies all good things. Like chocolate chips and the smell of baking cookies. Like pakoras and rain. To me she has always been symbolic of comfort and fulfillment, as I remember holding her and feeling connected to my own little babies who were stuck in their boxes at the time.
If I were one of the fairies from Sleeping Beauty ( I always related to the elder green one) and I could give one gift to Leena it would be the gift of contentment. I really want her to know that deep seated happiness in her life that springs simply from the knowledge that you are loved and blessed. All material things matter less then and the I really hope and pray that the glow she has been born with, this innate loving nature behind the impy smile, continues to becomes stronger and more potent.
I am amazed to realize that there is no difference in my feelings for her and my kids. I am not the oogly kid loving sort. In fact I dont think I like other peoples kids too much in the love kind of way. I can find them fun or interesting but oxytocin usually doesn’t take over. But she, she feels like home. Selfishly to me, she was sent at a time when I needed her most and thereby by that equation she and I are connected in ways I think we will only realize some later points in life. I love you Leena monkey. Come to me when you run away from home like your mama did.