I know you.

As much as I like the idea that pain heals and hurt lessens, you know what I am scared of Zo, that I will stop feeling that acute pressure in my heart when I think of you and those three days. I am scared that the joy of Leila and pace of life will take over and I won’t be able to celebrate you or mourn you anymore, and all the thoughts, dreams, balance, upheaval and levity that you have brought by simply not being there will somehow fade. It is a silly belief and fear because you are there, everywhere, in every nuance of Leila.

When I see her and Leena play sometimes, I think of you and how you would have added to that dynamic. I know you well you know. You would have been the grounding in Lily’s flight. A book lover. You would have hid in corners to seek silence from Lily’ shrieks, and you would have been best friends with Leena also. Nadi and you would have been the softer ones, together, alliances against the fire that Is your sister.

I wish I could talk about you more. I used to bring you up more before, mentioning things I remember of you from those three days I did have you. I remember how you moved towards my hand that first time. I wish we had more pictures of you. Why didn’t anyone take any? I wonder. Is it easier this way now?

Mai, as you would have also called her, wrote on my Facebook wall today“Crazy baarish!!! I think zoya just had her party 🙂 hugs!” I love it when people talk about you. It makes me feel so much closer to the idea that we had you. So much came so clearly into focus and perspective after you went away. The people who make an effort to say something or write something meaningful stand out in sharp relief against those who will always live life wishing they had done a little more or said a little more or been there a little more. Because of you, I think I am more conscious now of how much we as people need others to reach out to us. In actions and words. I know you would have been that sort of person. The over feeling kind who would have given me sleepless nights, kind of like Nadi might. Whose heartbreak I would have felt every step of the way. Leila, I know would have taken care of you and anyone else who bothered either you or her beloved Bhai.

So you remain Zo, my anchor. The little star of mine who will keep me on course when I stray, whose time with me will always clear my perspective and help me rise above situations that drag us down daily. I love the feeling that I have when I connect with you, or write about you, or even think about it. For the lack of a better word, a cleanse. I feel better, lighter, happier.

Image

Happy birthday my tiny star and be in peace and keep spreading that shine of yours into our lives. I miss you so much.

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jammie

people who know me...know me.

10 thoughts on “I know you.”

  1. you know whenever I see a pic of Lily, I automatically make a tiny wish for Zo as well. It just happens. You always mention her and add bits about her here and there. I always imagine that she is somewhere close as well.
    Again, this is a beautifully written post and I really admire you for continuing to talk about your experience and sharing the love.
    As a longtime reader of your blog, in some way, I feel deeply attached to these sentiments, esp about your kids.
    It is so inspiring to know how you deal with whatever life puts in your way.

    1. Haha you really have been there a while na? 😀 Its interesting to go back and read so much that I didnt know was going to happen. Its like a familiar book! Thank you for the always nice words!

  2. When I read about you losing your baby two years ago I didn’t know what to say. I felt sad, but you wouldn’t know what it’s like to lose a limb unless you actually lose one, right? So I kept hovering, wording my little piece, hoping you’d derive solace from it. Instead it sounded shallow as then, I didn’t quite decipher the intensity of your loss. Fast forward two years, I am a brand new mommy and my son (how strange it sounds) was taken to the hospital to get diagnosed with a mild case of jaundice and I wept. Uncontrollably, horribly, tears streaming down my face and my heart for the first time in my life, felt like it would stop beating. I thought I could never experience this chaotic complex set of emotions but I was wrong.

    So here you have it, may your girls provide you with ample hope and joy, one in flesh and the other in spirit. May L keep you ecstatic and may Z, keep you grounded.

    Much love,
    Falsa

    1. Well one hopes that one only gets the test that God thinks one is strong enough for. The prospect of the rest is too scary to deal with. Thank you for the wishes and congratulations on your new adventure 😀

  3. 🙂 cheeky took the words right out of my mouth. I too admire you for your courage, your expressiveness of love for your kids, your willingness to talk about Zo and so much more. I derive strength from you despite being only 22, single, and not knowing anything about the kind of the love and pain that you talk about but somewhere deep down in my heart, I feel like I can relate to you in a weird way. You and your family is in my prayers.

  4. oh jammie… how beautiful… May allah main keep our babies safe and happy, with him or with us.. so much love for you, you give me so much strength

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