As much as I like the idea that pain heals and hurt lessens, you know what I am scared of Zo, that I will stop feeling that acute pressure in my heart when I think of you and those three days. I am scared that the joy of Leila and pace of life will take over and I won’t be able to celebrate you or mourn you anymore, and all the thoughts, dreams, balance, upheaval and levity that you have brought by simply not being there will somehow fade. It is a silly belief and fear because you are there, everywhere, in every nuance of Leila.
When I see her and Leena play sometimes, I think of you and how you would have added to that dynamic. I know you well you know. You would have been the grounding in Lily’s flight. A book lover. You would have hid in corners to seek silence from Lily’ shrieks, and you would have been best friends with Leena also. Nadi and you would have been the softer ones, together, alliances against the fire that Is your sister.
I wish I could talk about you more. I used to bring you up more before, mentioning things I remember of you from those three days I did have you. I remember how you moved towards my hand that first time. I wish we had more pictures of you. Why didn’t anyone take any? I wonder. Is it easier this way now?
Mai, as you would have also called her, wrote on my Facebook wall today“Crazy baarish!!! I think zoya just had her party 🙂 hugs!” I love it when people talk about you. It makes me feel so much closer to the idea that we had you. So much came so clearly into focus and perspective after you went away. The people who make an effort to say something or write something meaningful stand out in sharp relief against those who will always live life wishing they had done a little more or said a little more or been there a little more. Because of you, I think I am more conscious now of how much we as people need others to reach out to us. In actions and words. I know you would have been that sort of person. The over feeling kind who would have given me sleepless nights, kind of like Nadi might. Whose heartbreak I would have felt every step of the way. Leila, I know would have taken care of you and anyone else who bothered either you or her beloved Bhai.
So you remain Zo, my anchor. The little star of mine who will keep me on course when I stray, whose time with me will always clear my perspective and help me rise above situations that drag us down daily. I love the feeling that I have when I connect with you, or write about you, or even think about it. For the lack of a better word, a cleanse. I feel better, lighter, happier.
Happy birthday my tiny star and be in peace and keep spreading that shine of yours into our lives. I miss you so much.