Tradition demands I post about love today. And perhaps it being a milestone of sorts, perhaps it is time to talk about it. So on some date in October, I fell in love for the fourth time when I found out I was expecting again. After the complicated adventures of last time, I expected this time to feel a little scary, a little more roller coaster, a little less smug (for the lack of a better word) and I was not disappointed. The thrill overode the trepidation however and I fell headlong into the bubble that accompanies being pregnant. Despite all the friendly warnings and be carefuls and your own sense of self preservation, dreams get woven and you start envisioning little heads joining the ones already in your life and for me 2013 became the year of the complete family. Many a night while creepily watching the kids sleep, K and I would connect over the tops of their heads and grin at the thought of a third similar yet different version joining us.
Things were perfect really. Glowy and perfect.
They call these missed abortions. There is a whole medical debate around the terminology, my doctor explained while I tried to nod intelligently and interestedly. “Think of it as God’s quality control” she said. “When the baby isn’t progressing a certain way that is natural, it stops itself.” I liked that explanation so I held onto it to examine during the darker moments I knew were going to come up ahead.
Looking back to the last month, I wish I could say with flat out conviction that it has been the worst time of my time after Zo. That life could test me again so cuttingly is something I am grappling to understand everyday. I think if I got angry at the Power that Is and got all cynical and messy it may heal faster. Worse but faster. Instead the last month has been a mixture of many things. Mostly more love. Everything is so heightened. Like how grateful and lucky I felt when I saw Nadi and Lily post hospital time- it was a tangible thick feeling in the air, one I could cut with a knife if I could. I have felt that love almost suffocate me several times in the last few weeks. To walk around in a semi perpetual state of epiphanic realizations is an isolating feeling because cocoooned away in this bubble, where everything is louder, clearer brighter and just so much more that you tend to not belong to the daily shenanigans of this world.
So this day today, I dedicate to my little Baby Bean who spent such little time with me but still made me feel so much new love- who will join Zo up there and have a great view life as we live it.