“Shouldn’t the world stop? Don’t they know what has happened to me?” – Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom.
As I mentally approach the three month mark of the miscarriage with some trepidation, the mad clarity is not any more comfortable. I am edgy, anxious and impatient. I don’t see why everyone is still unchanged by what has internally happened to me. I am angry too. Not at the the loss but at people’s inability to use a sense of loss to make a postive change. “You do realize this is all very personal, dont you? It’s happened to you so you have the opportunity to change for the better, Others not so much, ” says my preachy voice of reason. I call her preachy to be mean even though I know what she says makes sense. “It has happened to me, but everything should change. Even if just a little bit” I insist.
Perhaps thats the part of the healing I am unwilling to address. That to so many others, nothing is different and when they see me laughing or smiling, they forget that to me everything is. Why is it so important that they know that I am changed inside? Maybe because the change (not only in me but in others also) is all the memory I will ever have of the babies who are not with me.