Largely ignored in the wake of the third child, I have often thought of this blog as something I will get back to when I have time. I am not entirely sure that I am going to have time for luxurious amounts of back spacing and deleting kind of writings but I do want to continue putting down something- so I have something to look back to. Of course great swathes of life have already passed us by. But Zak is here and really, this little one deserves one post all to himself.
Every single time I see you after being away from you- whether its for 15 minutes of several hours, I am madly excited. I get swept away with how completely gorgeous that twinkle of happiness in your eye is. And it hits me like a force of wall, how completely lucky I am, and how utterly grateful I need to continue being.
You have favourites already. Your BFF is the bottle. Of any kind shape or size. you do not discriminate. You want it in your hands and you want it now. First thing we do when we wake up is scramble to hide out night time water bottles before you start leaping across the bed to grab at it. Your favourite book is Baby Loves to Rock and while we all know parts of it and can say it out at random moments to make you giggle, my favourite is when Lily sings it to you. You love peas, and avocado. And can have toast makkhan any time, just like your sister and mama. You are definitely a morning person and even the hint of an outing can make you start flapping your legs like a rider gearing up his horse.
While I have not had much experience in the tantrum department – both your siblings had minor episodes thankfully and outgrew them as fast, I sense you have it in you. I have sen you throw your head back dramatically on a number of occasions. Dramatic like you sister and stubborn like your brother. A treat, really. Can you hear me rolling me eyes here Zak?
Having you has been the best thing. You were born at the perfect time really. A week before school closed. There was this over riding sense of celebration in the air and it hasn’t dissipated. The summer that followed, having BV and Nanna all to ourselves for a few weeks for the best kind of bonding, snuggling to sleep with Bia, you have truly had the best of starts. Hope that kind of uncomplicated love and happiness follow you all your life.
Perhaps the biggest joy I get is when I see Nadi and Lily with you. Can a combination feel more right? In all my ruminations and dreams, this is not what I had imagined. Clearly His plans outshine all ours and I think what you being in our lives has done for the four of us, is something we will only realize long after the years have passed.
I love you. Happy 9 months, my Zakookie with the beautiful head.
Lily: Mama do you know the gosht butter song?
Me: umm no is it a new one you learned in school?
Lily: No! you said you liked it when you were a baby.
Me: I did?? When? Is it a food song?
Lily: No you silly billy! It’s about those guyses who catch goshtshs and skeletons and evil things.
#somethingstrangeintgeneighbourhood #lily #whoyougonnacall
Lay on the floor and gazed at the Sadequain ceiling with Nadi today.#momentstoremember #artfest #sindhfestival #ilmoamal — at Frere Hall on February 10, 2014.
Nadi and Lily looking at an old family trip album together.
Lily: Where am I?
Nadi: You weren’t born yet!
Lily: But WHERE AM I??!
Nadi: You are with Allah Mian!!
Lily: I AM NOT DEAD!!!!
Nadir’s pondering question of the night. “Why are mama’s and Abba’s bigger than their children?”
Back to school- winter edition.
L: Mama will you miss me when I am in school?
Me: of course! Will you miss me?
Leila’s special gratitude dua for tonight, November 10, 2013: Allah mian thank you for Tipar (itwar) Bazar!#Sunday # itwarbazarfinds
One thing I have really missed this year is my writing. The kids have grown so fast. The things that have happened have been huge and life altering and yet I couldn’t bring myself to find the right words so the occasions kept slipping by. I would scroll back and read so many pointless entries, celebrating and berating so many almost inconsequential events and I would wonder how I managed to muster the energy to write about those when I can’t find it in me to write about the real big stuff. But that is just it isn’t it? The real big stuff takes your breath away, paralyzing you. it takes every ounce of life juice from you and make you want to use it in the living rather than in the retrospective look back. To be fair I did write but reverting to ye old paper pen because somehow when there is resolving to do, and words are more vents, nothing does it better than good old fashioned pen on paper, pressing into the lines, forming deep impressions into the next page, taking away all the negative energy and replacing it with a calmer acceptance.
This year I want to write. Here. Where its out there because to me this is best most grown up way of dealing with what happens. By putting it into words that make sense out of the confines of one’s own mind. This year I want to be back to celebrating and berating the tiny because another thing I have learnt (or should I say relearnt?) this year is that all the real big stuff is simply yhe tiny stuff feeling ignored and piling up. So this year I plan to give the tiny stuff its due.
It is funny that we can’t see the funny in funny too clearly anymore because of the times we live in. I know I have been, if not proactive then deeply conscious of what I expose Nadi to in terms of evils and realities of the world. Especially on TV. K and I don’t watch the news infront of him and we attempt keeping words like bomb and gun and kill and shoot out of conversation around the little people. Even the cartoons and animated features he has seen have been whetted by us for any confusing messages. The idea of Good vs Bad is a universal one and watching pretty much anything, even if U rated touches upon that and that kind of black and white existence has worked in terms of pushing some important lessons forward. Sharing is good, but fighting is bad. Good people help and eventually are happy, bad people are selfish and never win. You remember, the good old fashioned lessons of life. Etcetera and all that. But we live in Karachi so of course he absorbs and processes a certain number of the abstract negative concepts almost automatically as well and though I can see some connections start to get made in his head in regards to the complication that can be life, mostly so far I think he hasn’t strayed too far into the blur and is happy to accept the basic explanations.
So, on our holiday this time, once he got ready every morning, Nadi would switch on Boomerang TV for a daily fix of cartoon time and it was at 10am on one June morning, that the world of slapstick hit and run and smack and whack humour suddenly unveiled itself to his 5 year old brain. Having always been avid supporters of the no-violence formula in life, we have always no-no-ed the idea of hitting and smacking and deemed people who do it “silly” or “childish”. Of course in light of this, the relationship between Tom and Jerry completely fascinated him. As I watched it with him, secretly a bit horrified at how much more, for lack of a better word, gleefully violent they seemed, I could actually see him trying to get his head around the fact that they seemed to be a team and yet the wham thud pow went on. Interesting thing is although we have watched several full length animated feature films together and the concept of bad is much talked about and handled but I could tell that he could tell that this was different. This wasn’t about good vs bad, this was about nature accepting both sides. Tom wasn’t only bad and Jerry wasn’t only good. A whole new grey has been born.
drawing by Nadi of course.