There are certain things you dread post a trauma. Or in my case a loss. Things that remind you of what is no more or drive home the point that that loss is a permanent one. One niggles that painful nub tentatively, not quite sure how badly it may hurt or bother and sometimes one is pleasantly surprised at how many steps towards “normal” life have been taken quite inadvertently.
Yesterday was M’s baby shower. Even a month ago, I was not in the mood. M and I are babily connected, something that I always considered a blessing. Last time we had daughters 20 hours apart and this time too, we were going to have kids within the week of each other. So I had no idea how I was going to feel and this time, I didn’t want to do something for someone else that didn’t feel good for me too.
Truth be told, I am so so excited to have a baby around again that while yes, there are sad pangs, the anticipation of that baby smell and gurgles is a happy high and one that selfishly, I want to celebrate. I have also realized I like people getting together. It is one of things that in my currently enlightened epiphanic state, I am in the mood for.
It heals. Laughing groups of people with pretty lights and decorations. Like on my birthday also.
So we went all out for M, who mind you isn’t exactly the ideal person to inspire celebration. She is obsessive, guilt-ridden, suffocatingly affectionate when in the mood and massively annoying and a control freak all in one. Yes, lovably so, but still. To remain consistent in wanting to do something for her requires Herculean effort, even though it comes from the heart. Many pompoms, hearts and raindrops and clouds and food and colour and friends and cousins later, we were all achey painy, the kind of tired only good parties filled with close people inspire.
April has been all about showers of both the rain and baby mama sort. It has rained, leaving everything cleaner, greener, lighter. It is raining outside as we speak and I am already looking forward to going over to Mama’s later for chai and pakoras. I feel grounded. Surrounded by the right people. Happy enough to ignore the minuses when they come to needle me.